At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
