I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
