So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
