you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have fence marks all over my body
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
