i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
