How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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