Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
