I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
