My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
