we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
