Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I supernannyed him into submission
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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