Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
