Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
