He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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