And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
