dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
