The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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