The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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