One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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