My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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