fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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