You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
