i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
