I wish life had little blips of pornography
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
