Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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