I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Then you guys just all showered together...?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
