I want to walk on stilts...naked
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
