Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
