I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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