Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
