my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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