i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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