The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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