3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
