you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
