I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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