You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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