Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
