he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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