Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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