Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
