I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
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Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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