my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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