He had one of those small greek statue penises
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
