My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
