She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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