Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
