First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
