I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
