How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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