Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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