Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
