He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
