I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
