Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
